<make me sparkle>

Another year older but none the wiser… Maybe just a little.

<it’ll never be the same>

I’m weeping for my lost youth.  So many things I wanna experience, but so little time or opportunity… And so many things I can no longer do or get away with.  I can only tell myself this – <in death, we are all equal>

<dreams do come true or don’t they?>

As I laboriously cleaned every nook and corner (well, I tried) of the house of every bit of Doggie’s hair which he happily leaves behind after every weekend visit, I wondered to myself why I was slaving away on a Sunday morning here when I could’ve been in a wonderful beach house in a picturesque town somewhere far away being served breakfast in bed by S (prepared lovingly by him no less) after a night of the most awesome and mind-blowing sex. The best kind of supernatural power one could have is to turn fantasy into reality. That about encompasses everything. The single most powerful ability in the universe and beyond. And I ought to have it. Yup.

<merry christmas, S>

Don’t know why but listening to this song by Boney M always brings tears to my eyes.

When A Child Is Born

A ray of hope flitters in the sky
A tiny star lights up way up high
All across the land dawns a brand new morn
This comes to pass when a child is born

A silent wish sails the seven seas
The winds have changed whisper in the trees
And the walls of doubt crumble tossed and torn
This comes to pass when a child is born

A rosy hue settles all around
You’ve got the feel you’re on solid ground
For a spell or two no-one seems forlorn
This comes to pass when a child is born

(Spoken)
And all of this happened
Because the world is waiting
Waiting for one child
Black, white, yellow, no one knows
But a child that would grow up and turn tears to
laughter
Hate to love, war to peace
And everyone to everyone’s neighbour
Misery and suffering would be forgotten forever

It’s all a dream and illusion now
It must come true, sometimes soon somehow
All across the land dawns a brand new morn
This comes to pass when a child is born

All across the land dawns a brand new morn
This comes to pass when a child is born

When a child is born

<Lord, I know I haven’t been as good as I should have, but I just wanna tell you thanks for everything and i love you>

<all things sweet and pink… in my fantasy world>

I’ve been living in a state of heartbreak for the longest time now. But as to over who or what, I don’t know.  Just feel this nagging pain of being forsaken and forgotten. My life in fantasy world has become mundane cos’ I’m uninspired and sluggish as I am in real life. Yup, S would find me soooo attractive… not.

<unbearable lightness of being… what?>

I need balance in my life.  Not getting it though. God, it’s been so long since I talked to myself here. Hello, Seth. Can you hear me? Are you real? Am I real?

<just a lil’ crazy>

It’s been a long, long time since I felt this way. I was on the bus. As I sat down, I looked across me. Our eyes met and my heart skipped a beat. He’s so good-looking. Not the pop idol kind, but good-looking in a quiet and unassuming way. He was kinda tanned. He wore a Yonex T-shirt, sports berms and slippers, and he carried a haversack and 2 Yonex badminton rackets. I felt uneasy, like I used to when I was young and getting crushes on guys. So I put on my sunglasses. I swore he stole a couple of looks at me. But who am I kidding? He can’t be any older than 18 and he’s tall and fit. Me? I have a lot to say about myself, but I’m tired of it… Really tired. This guy did really capture my heart for all 40 minutes or so of the bus journey. He had to be something to make me feel that S isn’t the only guy I wanna be with in my life… Am I a born couger?

In the end, they all left. In the end, I got to hear how obnoxious and bad I am. In the end, I deserve to be alone. The same piercing pain, the same feeling of helplessness, the same old shit. Can’t I fast-forward this dreary grieving period to several months down the road when life goes back to…. whatever? God, how many times do you want me to go through this? I had people to confide in before, but not now. I have neither the stamina nor inclination to whine about it to anyone. I get your message. I’m destined to be alone. I’m destined to be forsaken no matter how much I do for another person. I totally get it. So spare me a repeat lesson. I’m sick and tired of it.

Ask not what he would have done for you. Ask what he failed to do for you.

Ask not what it would have been. Ask what it had been.

Ask not what you would have done for love. Ask what you no longer have to do for love.

Love? I don’t even know what it is. I seriously have no idea. I’ve never known him to be so abusive. Am I that detestable or it has always been lurking inside him? Be strong, I keep telling myself. Move on, I urge myself. Do not hang around and wait for physical abuse. I can’t take criticism but for some strange reason, hearing a guy run me down to my face is kind of masochistic. It makes me sad, yet it makes me laugh. It makes me disillusioned, yet it makes me strong. Move on, just move on. I’m no weakling. I don’t have to be with anyone. Why hinder his career? Why hold him back from pursuing his dreams? I have enough on my plate. I don’t have to be responsible for someone who can’t support himself  or be responsible for his own life. I’m tired. I’m so very tired. It’s not fun to be a cougar. Not fun at all.

I’ve been in love with S for the longest time, but this is the first time I’ve actually seen him in my dream. I have to note it down since I tend to forget my dreams in 24 hours unless it’s something traumatic in which case I’d classify it as a nightmare. In the dream, S and I went to catch a docu-movie about Kitaro, the Japanese pioneer of New Age Music. The film showed Kitaro touring the Philippines. For some reason, S was seated in the first few rows  while I was almost at the last row. We were squished between strangers though the theater wasn’t packed.

I was contemplating asking S to move to another place where we could be seated together, but decided against it. I changed to another seat to the far left facing the theater where I could be alone. From my new seat, I couldn’t watch the film properly. As I was sighing, I saw S move to the back in an apparent attempt to look for me. As I walked towards him, I felt calm and happy. He seemed happy to see me too. I’ve never felt that way for a long time – knowing someone I have a crush on actually fancies me too. But that was it. I woke up immediately after that. The dream leaves me pining even more for something I’ll never have. Of all times. I was ready  to let go of my fantasy about him.

<You wore your hair this way in my dream>

I told him I’d never forgive him if the lottery ticket he offered to get for  someone (this someone didn’t even pay him) turns out to be the first prize winning ticket. I mean it. I’m hanging on to every hope that a big windfall would get me out of a life where all I do is work and carry out my responsibilities. I wanna do lots of things, but fatigue just won’t go away. I let myself go instead. I feel miserable, desperate, heavy, ugly and bitter. Though he has asked for the ticket back, the fact that I pressured him and stopped short of calling him stupid means he has fewer reasons to stick with me. Should he call it quits, I’ll just let it go quietly unlike my previous relationships. I have neither stamina nor desire to continue. I’ve lost my youth, whatever desirable physical attributes I might have in the past and of course, my dreams.

The game will never be over because we’re keeping the dream alive — Freiheit

I used to hang on to this line to make myself go on. But my dreams have slipped away. I knew it was time to let go during my solo Tokyo trip. I’ve hung on to my dreams for too long. I’m tired of dreaming, tired of thinking maybe, just maybe a miracle would take place, tired of being disappointed, tired of myself for feeling tired. S is one of my dreams and that will be gone soon …

<You feel shitty, S? You don’t know squat>